Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
foreskin is a definite game changer
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
