worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
