I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
