Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
