apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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