You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
