i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
