so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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