I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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