why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
