He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
