I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
