I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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