I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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