when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
