Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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