chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
