the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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