I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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