I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i came on her dog
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
