lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
