So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
