It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
