mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
