went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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