I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Randomize
