Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
