I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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