Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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