wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
