she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
