I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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