she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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