I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
