He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
