Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
