If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
