sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We had sex on a dog bed..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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