Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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