my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
