I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
