i already hear my dad disowning me
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
