Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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