how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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