everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
