He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
