Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
