So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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