What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
