I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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