i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My dick has a subreddit
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
