im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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