Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
