He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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