I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
