Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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