You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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