I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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