I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
